“millennial porn poem” by Maya Pillay


(not at all like ted hughes, but definitely a lot like ted hughes)

i

I just want someone to pat my
little crow head where it’s stuck
in the faculty crack (caw caw, etc.)

10:41 pm: I’m downloading textbooks, link
quite boy blue in between quivering squares
of genital allsorts—man, pet my little crow head
blinking phlegmy at screens while everybody else
is Out There Getting Some—am I ugly or am I ugly?

some girl getting split right open/a wide red penis
secreting itself into the back of the throat/two breasts
bounding along snow white/pit my little crow head
& let me rise up out of the window & let me

hang in the air
breathlike,

—then let my little crow body drop—
I’m not saying like storeys—but less lofty, please—

ii

the first sighting of the goddess
was via ADSL, probably, loading slow
her eyes peeking from the side-bar, probably,
while she was rolling like Sisyphus—

it was the same for all of us, right?
studying those jerky gifs, beady-eyed, with a real sense
of devotion, examining flight, and looking
back over our shoulders every now and again.

not that I’d go looking for it,
I’d never have gone looking for it,
but even at that age, I understood,
that the goddess spoke in pop-ups.

then: switching the computer off
and slinking into the garden sick-
stomached, as if I was the one
who’d done something wrong.

iii

to be perfectly honest it seems that I
was just shoddily thrown together.
coated with black down: a few puffs of air,
a few millilitres of crow blood.

you can smell it on me:
the nest at dawn, the must of twigs,
the bird-air much thinner than older air.

and now, hopping crowish along the pavement in the afternoon,
a smile that fades in and out a little: going for bits,
barelylegal, hungrystepson, virginschoolgirl,
taking whatever’s given.


Maya Surya Pillay is a brown queer girl who was born in Durban and is a medical student at the University of Cape Town. She is a decolonial activist, intersectional feminist, and definitely a pichachi. Her writing has been published in various places, including the American Poetry Review, AERODROME, Alien Mouth, Afridiaspora, Crossed Genres and Ideomancer Speculative Fiction.

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